My decision not to breastfeed - don't judge me!

I can't quite believe it but somehow Arthur is now 8 weeks old and we've all survived relatively unscathed. In fact the whole process of becoming a mum and handling a newborn has been a lot smoother than I could ever have anticipated, what's going on? Well for a start I know that I'm really lucky and actually have a really good baby. After a pretty tough pregnancy which ended with me basically being flat bound with SPD and then not the greatest of birthing experiences the yang has kicked in from the ying.

Although it hasn't been completely plain sailing in that I made the horrible and agonising decision to give up on breastfeeding at quite an early stage. With so much pressure from society to make breastfeeding work, this decision has left me feeling at times like a terrible mother even though deep down I know that it isn't true. However it's a decision that has left me open to judgement by friends, family and even strangers on a regular basis without anyone knowing the my reasons why, a charge that is grossly unfair. So I hope in writing about my experience I can firstly get it all off my chest and secondly in the hope that it helps others to have the courage to persevere or feel that it is ok to give up themselves.

Breastfeeding is after all something I've always viewed as being incredibly important and something that I would absolutely be doing with each and everyone of my children. I to have judged people in the past who have given up so quickly and consequently spent several hours reading up on techniques in how to get it right. I even insisted Mr W came along to a breastfeeding class in the later stages of my pregnancy. The notion that I wouldn't be exclusively giving my boy breast milk for at least the first three months wasn't even entertained.

The truth? It's more painful then a contraction and since giving birth the majority of mums I know haven't managed to get it right despite hours being spent trying. So why doesn't anyone ever tell you just how tough it is? Why doesn't anyone prepare you properly for the onslaught you're about to be put through? All the background reading makes out that it's the easiest, most natural experience in the world. If it hurts it's simply because you're not doing it right and a quick adjustment will sort everything out...

I knew when Arthur arrived that one of the most important ways to get breastfeeding established was by putting in some serious skin to skin time and I did manage a good hour straight after he was born. I even managed to get him on the breast reasonably quickly. Although whether he took anything on that first feed I have no idea, unfortunately I didn't have a midwife round to check and I didn't know how to.

Then a couple of hours after he was born, Arthur started to make some grunting noises which concerned the paediatrician who was assessing him at the time. A couple of blood tests later it was discovered that his glucose levels were too low and he was immediately given a bottle to try and boost them. From then on I was still instructed to give him the breast at every feed but to follow it with a bottle to ensure he was getting the nutrients needed. However after four feeds and no improvement the consultant told me to forget giving him the breast and just do the bottle every three hours until the levels recovered. Thankfully this only took a couple of sessions and I was allowed to try again the following day with a bottle top up.

I quickly became confused though; why couldn't I get the latch? I mean it had been at least 48hrs now with a midwife helping me at every feed but we still didn't seem to be getting anywhere? This wasn't what I'd been told to expect by the councillor or the books?

My issues continued when I got home with my nipples becoming increasingly sore and cracked so I decided to try nipple shields. They worked brilliantly for the first couple of days but soon my nipples still continued to deteriorate to the point where my husband came rushing in one day concerned that he'd found blood in Arthur's posset. He calmed down when I explained that it was actually my blood as a result of the feeding. It was at this moment that I realised I wasn't going to crack this on my own and made the decision to go and see the councillor and in the meantime started expressing to give my nipples a well deserved break.

The following day my mother and I visited the breastfeeding coach with a renewed positive attitude to try and get this right. I was so sure that by the following day the pain and heartache from the previous week would be a very distant memory... However after a good two and a half hours trying to get him on we'd only achieved one latch. We just couldn't seem to get him to open his mouth wide enough, a bad technique learnt from the bottle? Possibly but apparently not unrectifiable according to the councillor. She advised me to continue expressing and syringe feed to give my nipples a break and a chance to heel for at least another 24hrs before trying again.

Now I don't know if anyone reading this has tried to syringe feed their baby but it has got to be the most tedious experience I've ever known. You basically have to drip feed your baby with a syringe whilst letting them suck on your finger. Apparently it mimics the feeling to them of breastfeeding and starts to undo the bad techniques taught on the bottle. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. It takes hours!!! You have to spend around half an hour on the pump (not easy when your baby is already screaming for milk) and then it takes about another hour to feed them with the syringe and they never seem to have their hunger sated. It was just awful. Furthermore considering Arthur's problem was that he wasn't opening his mouth wide enough I wasn't sure how giving my finger would help??

Anyway after 24hrs and little sleep with the whole expressing, finger feeding lark I decided it was time to crack this feeding business once and for all. I cancelled all visitors, took myself to bed for the day and made my mum confiscate the syringes and bottles. That was the day that broke me both physically and mentally. No matter how hard I tried he just wouldn't latch. I'd manage to get his mouth wide enough for him to take a large amount of breast but he would just use his hand to push and push until he was right on the end of the nipple and only then would he feed. I was in bits.

By the end of the day I was on the floor sobbing and feeling like the worst mother in the world. Every time he cried I couldn't bear to pick him up in case it was food he was after. I just didn't want him anywhere near me.

The next day my mum stepped in and discussed giving the whole thing up because by now she'd noticed that I was starting to reject him. After a couple of hours of tears and toing and froing I agreed. Perhaps I could have continued with expressing and bottle feeding but that would have given me the worst of both situations.

Since that day I couldn't be happier as a mum. We have the freedom to go anywhere we want to go, when we want to go. Our bond couldn't be stronger and we're both extremely content. Despite the odd pang of guilt I know I made the right decision but it hasn't put me off and next time I'll definitely being trying again. It took another two weeks but my nipples have finally heeled.

In the meantime here are my top tips that I wish I'd known before I started and I really hope that it helps someone else get it right:

• Be prepared mentally - breastfeeding isn't the most natural thing in the world for everyone
• Get help early - as soon as you think it's not going right go and see a councillor don't leave it until your nipples are so destroyed you're breaking up inside 
• Try to keep the visitors at bay - it's hard to ask people to wait to see your little one but having a constant stream of people makes it difficult for you to go off and feed 
• Go to bed for 24hrs almost immediately to try and get it established 
• Have a good pump, steriliser and bottles ready in case you do need them but only use as a last resort 
• Keep a check on yourself - if it is becoming too hard don't let it destroy those first few weeks. It's a fact that breastfeeding isn't for everyone so don't feel guilty if you can't make it work. The most important thing is that you and your baby are happy, well bonded and fed however it comes! 

Lots of love,

Mrs W xxx